Sex, Drugs, and Dream Lords
by The Impossible Slashtronaut
Summary: During a visit to Woodstock, Amy and Rory meet well-hung sado-masochist Jack Harkness, and have another encounter with that pesky Dream Lord. Where is the Doctor? Contains forced sex, drugs, and S&M. Crack. Lime/Citrus. ON HIATUS INDEFINITELY.
1. Chapter 1

**Boredom resulted in this. So, yeah, it's crack. Lovely, lovely, wonderful crack. I know you want it in you, so take it. Love it, embrace it, do naughty S&M things to it. It doesn't mind. It's happy you love it as much as it loves you. Based on the Ang Lee film "Taking Woodstock." Special guest appearances by the Dream Lord and Captain Jack Harkness.**

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August 17th, 1963. Bethel, New York. Max Yasgur's farm. The multitudes of hippies and beatniks were doused in sweat, mud, and grass. Jimi Hendrix was singing onstage. The field was crowded to the point of near-explosion. The TARDIS landed on the edge of the surrounding forest, and the doors burst open. The Doctor, wearing just his trousers and bowtie, stepped out of the TARDIS, stretched, and felt the summer sun beat down on his body. Rory, also in just his shorts, stepped out and felt the grass between his toes. It felt good. Amy followed, wearing a short white sundress that floated around her as she walked. She spun around, giggling happily. The sun was lovely.

"C'mon, mates, let's rock this party!" said the Doctor gleefully, as he ran down the hill and into the bustling, mostly naked crowd. Amy and Rory ran after him, laughing.

They had made it to the foot of the hill when they realized they had lost track of the Doctor.

"Damn, where'd he go?" muttered Rory.

"We could ask someone for help," suggested Amy. "He could be anywhere."

The couple was about to ask for help when a good-looking man strode in front of them. Naked.

"You need any help?" he asked the couple, staring wide-eyed at the size of his –

"I'm Captain Jack Harkness," he said, and put out a hand for Amy and Rory to shake. "I'm a former Time Agent, currently a member of Torchwood, and –"

"I think the Doctor's told us about you," said Rory quickly. "You helped save the day a while back. Can't remember how, though."

"You know the Doctor?" said Jack excitedly. "He's one of my best mates! Is he here? What would he be wearing? Longcoat, pinstripes and sneakers, I'm sure."

"Actually, he wears tweed and a bowtie," replied Amy, "he keeps insisting they're cool."

"I take it he's regenerated since the last I saw him," Jack mused. A twinge of disappointment colored his words.

"I guess he has," said Rory, shrugging. "You think you can help us find him?"

"Well, actually, I'm not looking for him right now. I was looking for two people like you." Jack took Amy and Rory by the shoulders.

"For what purpose?" asked Amy.

"You'll see…" said Jack with a smirk. "Close your eyes, and take my hands."

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"Open your eyes, my dears."

Amy and Rory opened their eyes to see that they were in what looked to be a well-decorated hippie van. The floor was carpeted with garish furs, a lava lamp stood on a table, and there were lots and lots of pillows. Jack had apparently taken their clothes off, and they were handcuffed to the inside wall of the van. Captain Jack smirked, and puffed on a marijuana joint.

"Welcome to Captain Jack's Party Shack," said Jack, bowing, "and I'll be your captain on your magical journey." He strode toward them, his genitals on full display. He gave them each what appeared to be a piece of candy, and told them to eat it.

"Isn't this LSD?" said Rory, shocked and deeply nervous. Jack nodded and smiled again.

"Oh God, Doctor, where are you?" screamed Amy, trying in vain to escape from the handcuffs.

"I'm not sure where the Doctor is, but eat your candy and take a nap. Hopefully he'll show up – it's not a party without him." Jack motioned for them to take the LSD. With trepidation, they took the acid.

"Tweet, tweet, time to sleep," said Jack gently, and the couple fell asleep. A few minutes passed. The time was right. Jack grinned, and leapt on top of them…

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"Tweet, tweet, time to wake up," muttered a familiar voice. Amy and Rory woke up to see they were clothed again, still handcuffed to the wall in Jack's van. Standing in front of them, in flowy hippie garb, stood the Dream Lord, smoking a joint and brandishing a whip.

"Oh God, the LSD, what has it done?" screamed Amy.

"It's not the LSD, my dear," said the Dream Lord. "Well, maybe it is." He took a drag from his joint, and lifted the whip over his head. "And now the hallucinations really begin…"

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**To be continued… **

**Tweet, tweet, time to sleep… or are you waking up?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry if this portion is a bit rushed, it's just that the plot bunnies are scampering about, and this one… well, let's just say he's in a better place now, where the Almighty Plot Gryphon lays eggs that hatch into golden Plot Gryphon babies. The Gryphon babies breathe fire that turns clouds into plot bunny eggs. The plot bunny eggs fall from the sky, and hatch in writer's brains. It's the circle of life, hakuna matata, ob-la-di ob-la-da, we all live in a yellow submarine. You get the picture. The third part will come once I feel like it, so take this offering and burn it, sacrfice it to whomever it is you worship, and enjoy the horrorshow.**

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Amy and Rory awoke, fully dressed and rather sweaty, on the floor of Jack's van. The door was wide open, and the sunlight streamed into the van and stung their eyes. Still handcuffed to the wall. They looked out the open door and saw that the van was moved to near the stage. On stage, the Doctor was singing "All Along The Watchtower" into his Sonic Screwdriver in a duet with Jimi Hendrix. Rory and Amy smiled, and started singing along. They didn't think about where Jack was. They didn't care. They liked the music, and the Doctor was singing surprisingly well. The LSD was starting to wear off, they thought.

Suddenly, the sky became tie-dye, the van started spinning, and everything went dark.

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"Tweet, tweet, you lovebirds, time to wake up and smell the patchouli."

Amy and Rory opened their eyes again. They weren't handcuffed to the wall anymore, but they were naked again. The Dream Lord stood in front of them, still taking drags from his joint, but now he was in a toga. Captain Jack was there as well, also wearing a toga. He smiled widely, looking pervesely at Amy's exposed breasts and Rory's exposed –

"Where are we, Dream Lord? You don't scare us!" Amy yelled, covering herself with the pillows surrounding her. Rory grabbed a pillow and lifted it over his head, ready to throw at the toga-wearing Dream Lord and Time Agent.

"Don't touch my wife!" said Rory defiantly. "You may have corrupted our dreams, and you may have forced us to drop acid, and you may or may not have forced yourself into our orifices," he glared angrily at Jack, "but I know for sure that you have messed us up, and I'm sick and tired of it!" He hurled the pillow at Jack, who ducked in time for the pillow to sail over his head and hit the wall.

"Ooh, naughty, aren't we, Rory?" said the Dream Lord snidely. "We might have you arrested for that!" He motioned to Jack, who ripped off his toga, revealing a gold leather codpiece covering his giant –

"Time for a bit of Torchwood, wouldn't you say?" said Jack, thrusting his codpiece into Rory's face. Rory felt his face squish up against the golden –

"Oh God, Doctor, WHERE ARE YOU?" screamed Amy, tears filling her eyes until they stung.

Her eyes burned with tears. She shut them as hard as she could. Everything went dark as Rory's piercing scream tore through her ears.


End file.
